Nash’s Story

Fleur Beale

Chapter One

Inscription on the flyleaf of Nash Mazely’s private diary.

My dearest son, 

I hope you will find this when you need it. 

My fear is that your father and I will not survive this disease. There is uneasiness ahead for us but I can’t tell what form it will take. My logic though tells me the most likely happening is that Jim and I will die. I most desperately do not want to leave you. All I can hope is that if the worst happens you will find a way to go forward in your life.

This book is for you to write the questions, thoughts and opinions that perhaps you would not share with us even if we were to survive. You are going to need someone to talk to. If there is no one you feel close to, then write the words here. Do not hold rage or sorrow in your heart. Put it on the page and let it go. For if I am right in my fears, the way ahead for you will be difficult and lonely, but I also see light if you choose to accept it.

I believe in your goodness, your strength and your compassion. You will survive, and it is in you to triumph.

I love you always.

Mum.

Nash ran his hand over his mother’s words. He’d never written in the diary, even though she was spot on about the rage and sorrow. He snapped the book shut and shoved it into the box with the few other things he owned. That time in his life was over.

Time to go. He closed the sleep-out door behind him and went into the house.

Sheen looked up from the pattern she was studying. ‘You’re ready?’

He smiled at her. ‘All organised. Don’t worry about me, Sheen. I’ll be fine.’

She got up and embraced him. ‘You’re a member of our family. Don’t ever forget.’ 

Neither of them mentioned Hera’s prediction that Nash and Juno would marry. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t he’d told Juno. Don’t worry about it. I’m not. All lies, of course. It was okay when it had been a vague possibility tucked away at the edges of his mind. Coming face to face with marriage as a definite future was, he’d discovered, altogether different. 

‘I’ll see you at my house-warming.’ 

‘We’re looking forward to it.’ She kissed his cheek and slipped a flat parcel onto the box he was carrying. ‘And don’t forget we’ll be expecting you for lunch every Sunday.’ He went to open the parcel, but she said, ‘Open it when you’re home.’

She walked with him to the gate. He turned to wave as he reached the corner, and she blew him a kiss. 

None of the family had suggested that he ought to wait a week for Juno to get home from her volunteer year so that she could be at his house-warming. Nash shuddered. It had been worth busting his gut to get the house finished before she came back. He knew exactly how she’d react if she got off the train and walked right into the party. Might as well drape a banner across the front saying: Welcome to Your Future Home.

For once, he walked slowly. That troublesome girl. If not for her, he could have happily lived out his days in the sleep-out, attached to her family but not truly a part of it. He was on the run again, and he knew it. Okay, not physically running, but emotionally he was hitting the high road. At least he recognised what he was doing, he told himself. He was honest about it; it was a conscious choice rather than a panicked reaction. 

He didn’t want a wife, or a family. You loved them and they died. It was all very well for his mother to see that there was light ahead, but she wasn’t around to get a sense of what disasters might happen down the track. ‘Sorry, Mum.’

‘Talking to yourself, Nash? First sign of madness and all that.’

‘Morning, Charlie. Can’t be the first sign. I reckon I went mad a long time ago.’ 

They walked together, chatting about the land they were bringing into production, about Nash’s house and about the plans for the new houses.

Charley clapped Nash on the shoulder. ‘Mate, you’ll be getting yourself a wife. Pretty nice house you’ve got set up for her.’

Nash winced but turned it off with a laugh. ‘No time for courting, Charley.’

 ‘You a betting man, boss? I’m willing to bet good money you’ll be safely hooked this time next year.’

 ‘You’d lose, my friend.’ 

Charley said no more, but as other workers joined them he repeated the bet to each of them until Nash snapped, ‘Charley, cool it. That’s enough.’ They stared at him. He’d never lost it before. ‘I’ll join you shortly,’ he said. ‘I’ll just get rid of this.’ He indicated the box.

‘No hurry, boss,’ Selina said. ‘We know what to do. You take your time.’

Thank goodness he’d had the wit to make sure the three women he’d included in his workforce were married. He shuddered to think of the sly comments Charley would have kept up if they’d been single.

His house felt like a haven. He shut the door, put the box onto the table the grandfathers had made for him, and opened Sheen’s parcel.

It was a covering for his bed woven in soft blues, greens and browns. Did Sheen and Leebar hope he’d lie under it with Juno?

He sat down at the table, the fabric in a heap in front of him. The trouble was, he knew damn well that Juno held the light his mother had predicted for him, and he’d known it the moment he’d set eyes on her.

 ‘The cost is too great. I’m sorry, Mum.’ 

His life was so much better now than he’d ever expected it to be. He was content. He pushed himself up from the table. ‘I’ll take contentment over light and happiness, thank you very much.’ 

He strode off to his workers, ignoring the insistence in his mind that contentment was a very poor second best. Too bad.

Chapter Two

The house-warming came and went. Juno came home. Nash went to her welcome-home party, but spoke to her only when others were around. He didn’t invite her to come and see his house, or the land.

The year away had altered her, he thought. She seemed excited about life; energy and anticipation sparked from her. 

‘Was it difficult, saying goodbye to your friends?’ he asked.

‘Yes, of course. But some of them want to live in New Plymouth when they graduate.’ She grinned at him. ‘Time passes quickly, Nash. Last year felt like it was over before it even got started.’ Her face changed. ‘I’m sorry — I guess it was different for you when you were travelling.’

He shrugged it off.  ‘What about you? You’re to become an archivist, I hear.’

She laughed at him, but went along with the new topic. ‘Apprentice archivist, that’s me. And general dogsbody at the museum too, I’m guessing. It’s so exciting, Nash.’

’Good. That’s good. They’re lucky to have you.’ It was going to be okay. Juno must also have made some decisions during the year she’d been away. She seemed to have let go the wary embarrassment she’d had around him after Hera had announced that they’d marry. Now he was the one finding it impossible to behave naturally around her. 

* * *

Every time he came for Sunday lunch, Juno greeted him with friendship but her eyes always laughed at him. 

He began to dread meeting her. Why couldn’t she be the one to feel awkward? That way he could be the cool one, showing her that Hera’s prediction was only one of a million possibilities about the way their lives could turn out. But somehow Juno had got comfortable with the prediction, and he hadn’t. He longed to ask her what she thought now about marriage. He itched to ask her if she was just waiting, or if she’d decided to forge her own destiny. But no way was he going to lay himself open to a deep and meaningful, one-to-one conversation with Juno of Taris.

Two Sundays passed, and she was absent for both of them.

‘She’s busy,’ Sheen said when he asked where she was.

‘She’s holding hands with her boyfriend,’ Hera said. ‘She’s silly.’

‘He’s a nice boy,’ Leebar said. ‘Mind your own business, Hera.’

But Hera stuck out her chin. ‘He’s nice, but he’s wrong. So there.’

‘Set the table,’ Sheen said.

Nash told himself he should be relieved that Juno finally had a boyfriend. After all, he’d been hoping she’d find one. Dreading it. 

Too bad. He’d made his choice just as she seemed to have made hers. It was for the best.

He helped Hera set the table. She fired stern looks at him every time she plonked down a knife or fork.

* * * 

Autumn came, and Nash still hadn’t invited Juno to see his house —  he told himself there wasn’t the need to do so now. He was separating himself from the Taris family, even though he kept spending Sundays with them at Sheen’s insistence. 

At the beginning of May — again Juno was absent  — Hera tucked her hand into his and said, ‘Your house is sad, Nash.’

They were sitting on the lounge floor doing a jigsaw the grandfathers had made for her. He handed her a piece of puzzle. ‘I give it lots of love, Hera. I don’t think it’s sad.’

She shook her head and shut her mouth in the way that meant she wouldn’t say more without talking to Willem about it.

The grandfathers sat watching the progress of the jigsaw. ‘You’re getting a bit smart for this one, Hera,’ Bazin said. ‘We’ll have to make you a harder one.’

‘With lots and lots of pieces,’ she said. ‘And a picture of Taris on it.’

‘Please,’ said Leebar from the kitchen.

‘Please Bazin. Please Danyat.’ Hera dazzled them with a smile.

As always, Nash left before the evening meal — and before Juno returned. He’d not gone far before Hera’s words barged their way to the front of his mind. Your house is sad, Nash.

The trouble was, her words held a nugget of truth. His house felt not sad but unfinished, as if it was waiting. He sped up. It was doomed to wait forever in that case. He’d chosen his path; he would live alone.

Chapter Three

Juno turned seventeen. Hera turned six. Nash came to both celebrations bringing gifts of flowers from his own garden. Juno took hers,  thanked him and moved right on to the next person. 

Nash also met her boyfriend, Aidan. Nice guy. Better than that Ivor idiot. Good that she’s got somebody decent. I’m happy for her. 

Who are you kidding? Face it — you want to punch his lights out.

* * *

Winter passed. Spring came in so wet and windy that much of the time Nash and his team couldn’t work the land.

 ‘At least we know now that the river won’t flood the lowland,’ Selina said.

Nash sent them home. ‘Take a break, people. Come back when the weather clears.’

‘According to the forecast,’ Charley said, ‘that means four days holiday and then it’s the weekend. Six days off!’

Nash watched them splash off through the rain. Five days of solitude stretched in front of him. He wished it was Sunday already. Weird, considering how much he used to value solitude. During his year of walking he’d never wished for company, sometimes going weeks without seeing another person. Often, he’d hidden to avoid others he saw on the road.

Damn it. He just needed a project. He could put the shelves in the pantry — he’d been meaning to do that for ages. There was the bare spare room, too; he really ought to do something about making a couple of bed frames just to fill up the empty space. But he couldn’t settle to either project. 

Okay then, a movie — couldn’t get into it. Next he tried reading, but couldn’t get past the first paragraph.

He did manage to clean the house and cook a meal, and that killed off half the day.

Wednesday was the same except that he was darned if he was going to do the cleaning all over again. After lunch, he stood at the window, watching the rain, willing it to stop. Bloody time didn’t drag, it just refused to move forwards. According to Juno, it passed quickly. Lucky her. 

He was still at the window when he saw a figure tramping through the rain towards his house. Even before she was near enough to identify clearly, he knew it was Juno.

He groaned — why had the wretched girl taken it into her head to visit him now, in the rain and all by herself?

He opened the door to let her in, although he wanted to slam it in her face. He threw her a towel. She shed her coat, boots and leggings, took the towel and dried herself.

‘Thank you for your warm welcome, Nash,’ she said, mocking him.

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ He glared at her, then turned away. ‘Come on. There’s a fire going. Sit down. I’ll make you a hot drink.’

He expected her to ignore that, to go around poking her nose into every cupboard and room of the house. His house, his sanctuary. She didn’t. She sat in the chair by the fire and held her hands out to the warmth of the burner. 

He wanted to throw her out. This was not going to be good. He should run.

She didn’t look up when he set the mug down on the floor beside her chair. 

He sat in the other chair, trying to relax, then gave up. ‘Juno – why the hell are you here? Why have you come? You should be at work.’ Her work wouldn’t pack up because of a bit of rain.

‘This guy I’ve been seeing, Aidan . . .’ 

Nash leapt up. ‘It’s nothing to do with me, Juno. Nothing, do you hear me?’

She didn’t answer but her eyes followed him as he thumped around the room.

She looked like she’d stick there by his fire until he let her have her say. He slumped back into his chair. ‘Get on with it.’

‘He’s nice. Suitable. The family like him.’

‘Hera doesn’t.’ Damn. He hadn’t meant to say anything, and especially not that.

Juno smiled, but kept looking at the glow from the burner. ‘No. She doesn’t.’

‘For heaven’s sake, Juno! Grow up! You should know better than to live your life by what your kid sister says.’ If he could just make her mad enough, she’d storm out of his house and, with luck, out of his life.

She turned to grin at him. ‘Oh, I’m all grown up these days, Nash.’

‘Then why aren’t you going to marry this suitable boyfriend?’ He spat the question at her. ‘Make up your own bloody mind.’

She leaned back in the chair. ‘Interesting, isn’t it? Even though you’re determined to block me out, you still know what’s in my mind.’

‘That’s ridiculous!’

She turned right round to look directly at him. ‘Is it? So how do you know what I’ve decided when I haven’t told you?’

He felt as if she’d zapped him with an electric shock. ‘You’re not hard to figure out. Why come out here to bug me if you’re all loved up? You’re not the sort to come out to gloat, Juno.’ There. He’d covered his tracks. Let her get round that.

‘Gloat?’ she said. ‘True. You know me well, Nash.’ 

That was a hit, and he winced, but she went on as if she hadn’t noticed, although he knew perfectly well she had. 

‘I didn’t come on a mercy mission either.’

‘Why would you? I’m warm, dry and I’ve got plenty of food. No rescue needed.’

‘You hate being on your own. You’re panicking about the empty days ahead until the weather clears. But that’s your choice. I didn’t come here to fill in the day for you.’ She stood up. ‘Listen, Nash Mazely and listen good. I came out here today because we’re stuck, you and me. Stuck in some sort of time warp waiting for a future.’

His anger drained away and he just felt tired. ‘I’ve chosen my future, Juno. It doesn’t include a wife and it doesn’t include children. If the price is days like this, then so be it.’

She left the room without answering, and he could hear the rustling from the front doorway as she struggled back into her wet gear.

He followed her. ‘Hell and damnation, woman! At least swallow your drink.’

She flung the door open, letting the rain blow in, and almost ran from the house. She’d got only halfway down the path when she swirled around. 

‘You might have chosen, Nash Mazely, but what about me? Did you think about what might be happening for me?’

It had been an effort, but he’d succeeded in not thinking about her at all. Just go. Leave me and go.

She stormed towards him, rain sluicing off her. ‘Well, you’re going to hear it, whether you try to shut it out or not. Aidan wants to marry me. We get on, we’d be good together.’ Her hand shot out to jab his chest. ‘But thanks to you, I can’t say yes. You’re always there, lurking around in the edge of my head. Keeping yourself safe out here in this prison you’ve built for yourself.’

‘It’s not a prison, for god’s sake! It’s a haven.’ His own space, built with his own hands.

‘A haven can be a prison. I should know. I grew up in one.’ She held up a hand. ‘And before you say this is different from Taris — of course it is. You can let the world in any old time you choose to. But you don’t, do you Nash? You’re building your walls higher and higher.’

How dare she. ‘You know nothing, Juno. Nothing. Go home.’ He stood in his doorway, his arms folded, legs apart, guarding the entrance.

They glared at each other as he fought to ward off the power pouring from her.

‘So,’ she said. ‘That’s how it’s to be, is it?’

Just go.

‘I will,’ she said, and he knew he hadn’t spoken aloud. ‘But first I want to give you something.’

‘I want nothing.’ He swished a hand at her, batting away whatever it was she wanted to give him. ‘Nothing.’

‘You accept things from my family but not from me. Your problem, Nash, not mine. And you’re taking this whether you like it or not.’ 

He wished the rain would wash away the force of her, the truth she battered him with. She marched towards him, grabbed his arms and tugged him from the shelter of the porch down onto the path into the rain. 

‘I give you this.’ She held his forearms, leaned into him and kissed him. This was no gentle, sisterly kiss. This one was fierce and loaded with fury, but before he could shove her away she slipped her arms around him, her body curving into his despite the bulk and wetness of her rain gear. Longing, desire, loss, yearning. Passion. It was all there in her kiss.

She pulled away. ‘To remember me by. I won’t come again.’

She trudged away through the mud and rain. He stared after her, standing where he was even when she was out of sight, then he sank to his knees, willing the rain to wash her out of his mind.

It didn’t work, even though he struggled for long enough to end up freezing and almost too cold to move. It would serve her right if he died of hypothermia. She could carry the guilt for the rest of her goddamned life.

I don’t weep for cowards.

‘Get out of my head!’ he yelled. He struggled upright and went inside. He stripped off his sodden clothes and warmed himself under the shower. The fire needed stoking. Her untouched drink sat on the floor beside her chair. His chair. He kicked the mug, sending it flying, trailing a plume of tea, before it crashed against the wall.

Cleaning it up and drying his clothes gave him something to do for the rest of the afternoon.

Chapter Four

The memory of that kiss hounded him. He tried outrunning it. The shelves got built, the bed frames got made.

He hammered out answers to non-existent questions: of course he’d love to have a wife and children; of course he’d love to have a house that welcomed wayfarers, strangers and friends. But he was damned if he was going to pay the price for it.

The voice in his head piped up. And you don’t reckon you’re paying a hefty price right now?

‘Shut up! Just shut up.’ If only the everlasting rain would take itself off. 

So you didn’t catch even a whiff of joy, friendship, desire, passion? 

If Charlie were here right now, he’d be hauling him off to a doctor — yelling at the walls. What next? Climbing them?

He’d be fine when the rain stopped. 

During the day, he kept busy and refused to think of the wretched girl. Nights, though, were a whole different pile of weeds. That voice in his head had a grand old time chucking images of Juno at him. She was always laughing, or smiling or — god help him — kissing him and loving him. 

To his relief she wasn’t around when he visited her family on Sunday. Hera was, though, and she kept giving him reproachful looks. He left early.

Monday the sun shone, his team turned up as usual, but he’d already done two hours work. He kept working after they’d gone home.

One afternoon, after three weeks of the same schedule, Selina waited behind to talk to him.

‘Listen, boss. We’re worried. You’re killing yourself. It’s not going to help if you end up dead in a month.’

He looked away from her kindly, worried face. ‘I’m okay, Selina. Don’t worry about me.’

She snorted. ‘You’re not okay, and you’re a bad liar. Don’t know what’s biting you, boss, but best you sort it, eh?’

Nash nodded, lifted a hand to farewell her and went back to work. She was right, though. Damn Juno to hell and back. Why couldn’t she leave him alone?

But it was clear she wasn’t going to, not till he faced up to the possibility of changing his life to include her. There is light ahead for you if you choose to accept it.

Choose! Huh! That was a laugh. It’d be nice to have a choice, but with bloody Juno inhabiting his dreams he didn’t have even a sliver of choice. 

He decided to chase her away once and for all. A ceremony should do it although anything he knew about ceremonies came from movies. He decided it’d be best to keep it simple, and not try anything that might harm her. He didn’t want that on his conscience. 

That evening, once all vestige of daylight had left the sky, he turned out the lights and opened the door of the wood burner. On a sheet of paper he wrote Juno of Taris, then, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the fire, he shredded her name. Piece by tiny piece he fed it to the flames. As each sliver flared up then died into nothingness, he chanted, ‘Leave me. Leave me. Leave me.’

It was done.

That night he dreamed of her as usual, only to wake in a choking panic before dawn. The exorcism had worked. She’d been walking away all right, but he should have factored in that Juno never did things by halves. What he hadn’t bargained on was her disappearing from his life forever. No happy-ever-after at some hazy time in the future when she’d be a dear friend, somebody he could rely on. Talk to if he felt like it.

He sat up, gasping for breath and fumbling to switch on the light. His heart was doing a jack-hammer riff in his chest. 

That dream — it wasn’t what he’d seen that knocked him, the sheer terror was in what he’d felt. It was as if he’d fallen into a dark desolation that was choking the life out of him. 

He breathed slowly, concentrating on getting his heart slowed down. What a dumb stunt — to try to banish Juno. He should have guessed it would backfire on him. The worst thing was that those few nightmare seconds had ripped away all his excuses and forced him to look into a bleak wasteland of a future. No light possible. 

He fell out of the bed, picked himself and a selection of garments up off the floor, and raced outside, then had to go back for a torch.

‘This is ridiculous.’ His voice seemed to echo in the room. ‘At least get yourself dressed decently.’

It was hard to take it slowly even though he knew Juno would still be asleep.. He couldn’t worry about that. He had to see her, had to ask her if she’d talk to him.

Why? She’d ask that — what did he want to talk about?

Oh dear heaven, he so didn’t want to do this. He’d tell her he was sorry he’d got in the way of her life. And he’d have to ask the most terrifying question of all — he’d have to ask her if they could try to find out if Hera was right about them marrying. 

For a moment he choked again, unable to breathe. Marriage? He couldn’t. It was far better to endure loneliness than the possibility of loss. 

Anyway, she might already have told the boyfriend she’d marry him. 

If she hadn’t, she might be prepared to wait, just for a short time, just till he could get used to the idea of a future with her in it — maybe not as his wife, but as a friend, a good and dear friend, the way they’d been before Hera’s announcement.

She’d snarl and say she’d waited long enough already. Too true. But he could ask if she’d wait till Saturday before she tied herself up to that Aidan guy. That would give him time to really think this through. He’d been letting it all get to him. The exorcism proved that. Served him right that it had given him nightmares.

Talking to her properly could well settle things. Both of them might realise they weren’t right for each other, so he could be getting worked up over nothing. 

Who was he kidding? Face it, he told himself, she was the one who would bring light into his life. If it wasn’t too late. But, he argued, it doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve got to marry each other. Friends can bring light too.

He just needed time to get used to the idea of having her in his future. It was huge — a thunderbolt. She must see that it was wise for him to take time to get his head around it.. 

#

He set out, putting one foot in front of the other, always going forwards although every part of him screamed to run the other way. Given the choice, he’d rather face a posse of armed hostiles that talk to Juno of Taris

The sleep-out was dark when he got there, but he knocked anyway, scared he’d run if he had to wait.

‘Who’s there?’

‘Nash. Can I talk to you? Please.’

He assumed she’d make him wait, punish him or yell at him. He heard her feet hit the floor and then she was pulling the door open.

 ‘Come in, Nash.’ She got back into the warmth of the bed, sitting up with a bright quilt around her shoulders like a robe.

Fear and uncertainty left him. What a fool he’d been. ‘I’ve come to tell you I’m sorry. And to ask you to wait. Just a bit longer.’ He took a step into the room, away from the protection of the door. ‘I guess I had a bit of a revelation in the night. Takes some getting used to, so will you wait? Please? Just till I get used to it.’

‘A revelation,’ she said. ‘What sort of revelation?’

She was wary, not falling over herself with joy. Well, he couldn’t blame her. He’d have to speak the truth and throw the excuses out the window. 

‘Ever since you came to see me, you’ve been in my dreams and it’s been wonderful. But each morning I tell myself the cost of loving you is too high. The possibility of death and tragedy haunts my days more than your promise haunts my nights.’ 

He paused, but she said nothing, just kept watching him. He struggled on.

 ‘Last night, I did a sort of exorcism. It was stupid but I was desperate.’ She just looked at him without any expression. He wished she’d say something, help him somehow, but he knew full well he was damned lucky she was even listening to him. ‘I had the same dream of us together and happy as usual, except it ended with you walking away forever.’ He shuddered, rubbing his hands over his eyes, scrubbing away the memory. ‘I found I couldn’t bear a world without you in it, Juno. But I still need some time to get my head around it. So please, will you wait? Just till I get used to the idea?’ 

He stared at her, sitting still and silent. Why didn’t she say something? She was so closed off from him he couldn’t get even a hint of what she was thinking. ‘It’s not too late, is it? You’re not going to marry that guy after all?’ 

 ‘No, we’re not going to marry.’

‘So will you wait?’ 

 ‘Yes, Nash. I’ll wait. Until after work today. I’ll come out to visit you and we’ll talk. That’s how long I’ll wait.’

He plumped down in the armchair. ‘You don’t trust me, do you? You think if you give me longer I’ll talk myself out of it again.’

She didn’t reply, but he knew he was right because this time she hadn’t closed herself off. 

‘I can’t persuade you to give me till Saturday?’ He smiled at her.

She didn’t smile back. ‘Tonight or never, Nash. You’ve caused me so much grief. I don’t want to wait around and then have you decide to run again.’

He stood up. ‘Tonight then. Come for dinner. And thank you, Juno. I make you this promise — I will never knowingly hurt or harm you again.’

Chapter Five

He let himself out of the sleep-out. ‘Oh my god,’ he whispered. ‘What have I done?’ How stupid to make her that promise. No way out now. He had just one day to take down all his defences. One miserable day.

Or live one miserable life if he didn’t.

He ran home feeling as if his skin had vanished, so that he was open and vulnerable to the world.

It was just light enough to see when he reached his house. He knew it’d be sensible to get some sleep – it was going to be a tough day, but his nerves were stretched too tight to let him rest. Work was the only option and so as usual he’d done a couple of hours by the time his team arrived. ‘Right, troops,’ he said, ‘today you work on your lonesome. I’ve got stuff to attend to.’

He could see the speculation in their faces. . Charlie opened his mouth, but Selina shut him down with a glare. ‘About time you took a day off, boss,’ she said. ‘We’ll get on with things here.’

They watched him return to his house, then Selina called them to order and marched them off to the far end of the property. That woman — she was brilliant. Knew how to deal with Charlie too.

Nash shut his door against the world. 

An unbelievably difficult day awaited him. A terrifying one. Best get started.

He sat himself down in the hallway, supporting his back against the wall. He felt more secure like this.

Hiding again.

He thought about that. No, this time he wasn’t hiding for cowardly reasons, he was keeping out of sight because he didn’t want to be interrupted. 

He sat still, his spine straight, and faced the torment he’d been running from since he turned sixteen. He made himself return to those days, with his mother dying, then his father a day later. Two days after that, both his grandparents died. 

This is too hard. I can’t do it.

Always he had seized on that thought, turning his back on the whole devastating tragedy. What a liar he was, having the gall to tell Juno and her family that he’d faced up to his demons, buried them.

Well, he’d been right about not being able to hide from them. He would face them today. It was time to start. 

Back he went to the time of his loss. His birthday. Not a happy memory either. Everyone had tried to make the day special, but now he was sure that his mother and his grandfather had known they’d be dead in a few days.

Doggedly he went over every memory of that day. Then the following day when his parents left to work at the hospital. This was the point at which his mind always threw out the anchors. Stop. Go no further.

He persevered, taking his memory back to the death of his mother. Again, that slug of pain into his body, the rawness of it. 

Dear god, I’d forgotten. The agony of loss is such a physical thing.

With every atom of his body screaming its pain, he let himself grieve at last for his mother. He wept without covering his face so that the world could see. Here I am. This is the truth. I am wounded, injured beyond endurance.

His father was the next to die. I can’t do it. I can’t go through that again. Excuses. He closed his eyes and took himself back to the phone call. Your father died in the night. I’m sorry, Nash. So very sorry.

A white hot rush of rage tore through him. His eyes flew open. Rage? He’d been angry? He shook his head — no recollection of that at all.

But it must be so. He closed his eyes again, going back to that day. He saw himself storming through the house, kicking things, throwing them, bashing at walls with his fists. What had he been shouting? Words came back to him, screamed in his high adolescent voice. Whoa! He was cursing his father, swearing at him for leaving him, for dying.

Nash bent forward, panting as if he’d run a marathon. Dad, I’m sorry. I miss you. The best of fathers. A dear, good man, strong and kind. 

This time Nash wept for him and there was no anger left.

It was well into the afternoon when he faced the death of his grandparents. All he could do now was let the sorrow in, allow himself to feel the desolation of their loss. There were no tears left and he wished he could cry for them as well. Instead he spoke his grief in words. I loved you, Nanna, Grandad. You lit up my life, you loved me. I’ll never forget you or the shock of your deaths. On and on, he said the words aloud, words he should have written in the diary his mother left for him.

It was done. Maybe there would be more to do, more to understand, but for now that was enough. I can go onwards from here.

He sat quiet, getting used to the strange peace that displaced the iron control that had kept the memories locked out.

Chapter Six

Juno’s knock on the door in the late afternoon took him by surprise. The day had passed? It was a struggle to stand — the first time since morning. And he was thirsty. He’d had nothing to drink all day. Not wise.

She didn’t come in until she’d given him a searching look, and only then did she step over the threshold. ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘I’ll bring you a drink, and I’ve brought food.’

She was so bossy. He did as he was told, glad to sit in comfort, glad to be away from her eyes that saw too much. She brought him water. ‘I’ve got the kettle on. I’ll bring tea when it’s boiled.’ Without asking, she set about lighting the fire in the burner.

He drank the glass empty, then filled it again from the pitcher she’d set beside it. That girl — he hated to think she must have known he’d spent the day bawling his eyes out.

Don’t denigrate it. Okay. Sorry. She must have known he’d spent the day grieving at last for his family.

Juno came in carrying a tray set with biscuits and tea. ‘I’m starving,’ he said.

‘Don’t sound so surprised. Nothing like emotion for stirring up the appetite.’ She poured the tea and he relaxed. She was here, and in this moment it was good. 

‘Nash, you’ve had a cruel day. I’m sorry.’

He stared at her, but she was looking into the fire. 

‘You felt it. Didn’t you?’ he said.

She nodded. ‘I understand now — why you shut us all out.’ She sent him a swift smile. ‘I was hard on you. I’m sorry.’

‘Come on, Juno! Nothing short of that boot up the backside was going to cut me free. You know that.’ He laughed at the odd emotion beginning to bubble through him. Happiness, that’s what it was. ‘God, but I’m hungry!’

She jumped up. ‘Stay there, oh starving one. I bring you sustenance.’

Yes, he thought, watching her stride out to the kitchen. In more ways than one, she did bring him sustenance.

She came back in carrying a pie and a bowl of salad. ‘Chicken pie. Eat your fill.’

She ate a quarter of it and he powered through the rest, but when she went to collect up their dishes, he stopped her. ‘Leave them, Juno.’

‘You want to do this today?’ 

‘Yes. Please.’ At the edges of his mind, the old demons waited, circling around, looking for a void to leap into.

She sat down. ‘Okay.’ Now it was she who looked as if she’d taken a huge step into dangerous territory.

Chapter Seven

Nash pulled his mouth down, struck by the craziness of it all. ‘We don’t exactly fit the image of passionate young lovers alone together, do we?’

‘It’s the story of my life — not being the same as the rest of the world.’

Silence settled between them. A log shifted in the fire. Nash opened the burner door to throw more wood in.

‘I’ve been wondering,’ she said, ‘if we really are meant to be together, or if . . .’ Her voice trailed off.

‘Or if all you needed to do was force me to face my grief,’ he finished for her.

‘Yes.’

All the weariness of the day fled in a burst of energy. ‘Is that what you think, Juno? What you’re feeling now?’

She sprang up to pace around the room. ‘I don’t know any more! If you hadn’t got tangled with my life, I’d be engaged to Aidan right now. And I’d be happy.’ 

He was appalled, and the sobs she tried to hold back cut ribbons through him. He went to her, put his arms around her, offering comfort with no strings attached, even though he wanted to kiss her, to hold her tight and tell her everything would be all right. ‘You’ve told him you won’t marry him?’

She nodded. ‘I told him why. He didn’t really get what I was talking about though.’

‘So he’s doubly hurt now. Hell, Juno — saying I’m sorry doesn’t really cut it, but I am. Deeply sorry.’

She disengaged herself and went back to the chair. Her chair, he thought. I’ll fight for her. Even as he made the vow, he knew he couldn’t. She’d have to find her own way and he would just have to step aside while she did so. He owed her that much. 

He stood at the window, staring through his reflection into the rainy night. ‘I’ll wait, Juno. If he’s the one you decide to marry, then so be it.’

 ‘Thank you.’ 

‘Leave all that,’ he said as she stood up and started to collect the dishes. ‘I’ll bring those out on Sunday.’

‘Okay.’

‘I’m coming with you now, though. It’s dark and you haven’t got a torch.’

‘Okay.’

Damn it, she was taking herself away from him, body and soul, and he felt himself withdrawing too, back into his fortress — except that whatever it was that came at him from the unseen world was hammering at him, urging him to stay in the light, to act.

They put on their rain gear, he took the torch and they went out into the cold night. She didn’t say a word the whole way. He didn’t try to talk — was too intent on working out how to obey the knowledge that he should act while also being respectful to Juno.

She stopped at the edge of the town where the street lights and paved footpaths began. ‘You don’t need to come further, Nash. Thanks for lighting the way.’

Now. He took her in his arms and kissed her. For a second she was shocked, put up her arms to push him away. He let the love he’d locked away flow free and her arms went around him. She was kissing him, responding, loving him. And she was crying.

He let her go. ‘Juno, I’ve brought you pain.’ He forced himself to say the next words. ‘You must find your own path. I hope with all my heart that you’ll choose me, but it’s my own fault if you choose Aidan.’

She didn’t answer and he watched her walk away. 

#

_

She wasn’t at home when he visited as usual that Sunday, and she didn’t appear on either of the next two Sundays. No one in the family except Hera gave any hint of knowing that things had changed between them. She refused to speak to him.

Walking home after a third week of not seeing her, Nash resigned himself to accepting that she’d chosen Aidan. His mother had been right: there was light in his life now. ‘At least I got that right — finally,’ he told her. Now he had to imagine a future without Juno in it. He had to keep going, to let people in, share his life and try to make it mean something.

Apprentices. He could take on a couple and they could board with him so that his house wouldn’t be sad any more. Maybe one day he’d find somebody to love. Juno’s friends Vima and Oban had both recovered from loving somebody who couldn’t love them back. So it was possible, it was just going to be miserable for a year or two. ‘My own fault. Serves me right.’

Juno was sitting on his front step, waiting for him. He stopped dead, hope and fear tumbling round in his heart. ‘Juno?’

Her smile was the most welcome thing he’d ever seen. ‘Yes, Nash. It’s me.’

‘Aidan?’ The name came out as a croak.

She got up and walked towards him. ‘Until you kissed me that night, I thought Aidan and I would be right for each other. I thought I could love him with all my heart. But then you kissed me and I knew that life with Aidan would be good, but with you I would experience joy. Life would be passionate, exciting, safe, dangerous — all those things and more.’ She stopped in front of him and despite her brave words, he caught uncertainty. ‘So here I am. If you want me.’

He snatched her into his arms, kissed her and held her tight. He let her go long enough to ask the scariest question of his life. ‘Juno, light of my life, will you marry me?’

‘I will. Tomorrow, if you like.’

‘For real? What about your family? Wedding preparations and all that?’

She snuggled against him. ‘Yeah. I guess. But don’t you go getting cold feet between then and now.’

It hurt that she was still unsure of him, but he didn’t blame her. ‘How about we go now and tell your family? No backing out after that. Hera would slay me.’

She laughed. ‘She’s been mega-grumpy these last three weeks, but Willem told her she wasn’t to say anything.’ She laughed again. ‘I guess we’d better let her dance at our wedding.’

‘Our wedding,’ he repeated. ‘Still can’t believe I want that. That I want more than anything to have you in my life, to have my house become our house.’

* * *

It was dark when they walked back to the city to tell Juno’s family. Hera was watching for them, and they heard her shouting  even before they got to the door., ‘Here they are! I told you Nash would marry Juno! I told you!’

Juno gave Nash’s hand a squeeze. ‘Our kids will probably be just like her.’

‘My god, woman!’ He rolled his eyes at her. ‘Do you want me to flee in terror?’

Laughing, they went inside to celebrate with the family.